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CORRUPTION IN THE CLUB
As we informed you previously there are strong indications, based on sound statistical analysis, that the club is mired in corruption. Essentially it is believed that a person or persons is/are attempting to ensure as many Superstars matches are tied as possible. We assume this is for betting purposes with ties being a lucrative earner.
With the corruption proven beyond any doubt whatsoever and those who disagreed "dealt with", the next task was to work out who the culprit or culprits is/are. To do this the police gave us their number one detective who has never shown any fallability. His name is PC Plum and he works on the mean streets of Balamory. We had a man we could trust.
The legend that is PC Plum
PC Plum looked hard at the evidence and is willing to let us know the SIX suspects in this shameful episode, they are-
Suspect Number One
STEVE "The Colonel" MEYLER
Colonel Meyler
The evidence against Colonel Meyler is long and detailed, the main parts are-
Cricket ball Appeared in the first tie and one since.
Cricket ball Steve was the umpire who gave "one short" off the final ball in the infamous tie against Hounslow Leisure.
Cricket ball Steve needs money to support his dream, Welsh Independence or at least raise enough to get safely out of England when the Welsh are thrashed in the Rugby World Cup.
Cricket ball Steve's former Chairman status can exert pressure on younger, impressionable members of the squad
Cricket ball Steve's hapless, disorganised appearance is a disguise for a criminal mastermind (know in the trade as "doing a Boris").
PC Plum's Verdict: I don't trust him further than Paul Gaught could throw him but we're not sure if he's "doing a Boris" or is that disorganised - althoguh to be that disorganised seems unlikely. More surveilance required.
Suspect Number Two
Vijay "Misses" ANAND
Vijay Anand
The evidence against Mrs Anand is long and detailed, the main parts are-
Cricket ball Appeared in the first tie and has appeared in five overall.
Cricket ball Vijay was the batsman who ran "one short" off the final ball in the infamous tie against Hounslow Leisure.
Cricket ball Joined the club in 2012, when these ties started happening. His debut was the first tie in the sequence.
Cricket ball A suspiciously high number of holidays.
Cricket ball The high numer of games Vijay plays implies he is professional and has no other job.
PC Plum's Verdict: His "light hearted" response on facebook could well be cover for a criminal network - known as the "Lance Armstrong defence". I recommend he spends some money on a good lawyer.
Suspect Number Three
Mike "Scarlet Woman" TAYLOR
Mike Taylor
The evidence against Scarlet Taylor is long and detailed, the main parts are-
Cricket ball Has played in two of the tied matches.
Cricket ball His retirement, which seemed suspiciously early and to a suspiciously costly area of the country, occured in 2012 just as the money was rolling in..
Cricket ball His senior status in the club has made him feel "untouchable".
Cricket ball Fielding at point allows him to dictate the fielding performance while his age allow the odd delibate "slip" to sneak through corruption detection.
Cricket ball It is possible his extra time available, now retired, can be used in the criminal underworld.
PC Plum's Verdict: Clearly a dodgy character with new unexplained wealth - I don't think professional scarecrow work pays the bills as well as an Indian bookmaker.
Suspect Number Four
Barry "The Professor" GIGG
Barry Gigg
The evidence against Professor Gigg is long and detailed, the main parts are-
Cricket ball Played in five of the corrupted matches.
Cricket ball More than simply a player, as captain he has the ability to manipulate the game through fielding positions, batting orders or giving Paul Gaught a bowl..
Cricket ball His club legend status in the club has made him feel this is his rightful pay back.
Cricket ball His early retirement and expensive habits have to be paid for somehow.
Cricket ball His fitness at such an age may have been caused performance enhancing drugs paid for by the corruption.
PC Plum's Verdict: Probably the best person to target if wanting to fix a game, and vulnerable. He should be watched very closely, as his image as a "bastion of the game" would be perfect for a fixer.
Suspect Number Five
Rick "The Reverend" SMITH
Rick Smith
The evidence against Reverend Smith is long and detailed, the main parts are-
Cricket ball Played in five of the corrupted matches - the other was before he joined the club so may be a red herring.
Cricket ball As an all rounder he has the means to affect the game in both innings - often towards the end..
Cricket ball Rick was determined to get one tie he went against the spirit of the game, according to Dodgers, in the infamous tie against them in 2013..
Cricket ball He's young, impressionable and probably has an expensive alcohol, drugs and women lifestyle to fund.
Cricket ball As a right-winger he's unlikely to can about the well being of his "comrades" when a quid are to be earned.
PC Plum's Verdict: Definite money motive and the ability to effect the game at key points mean he is clearly a potential culprit.
Suspect Number Six
Roy "The Peacock" VARGHESE
Roy Varghese
The evidence against Peacock Varghese is long and detailed, the main parts are-
Cricket ball Played in four of the corrupted matches.
Cricket ball As an opening bowler he often sets the tone for the innings.
Cricket ball Police work is essentially about using common phrases, like "it's "always the quiet ones".
Cricket ball Seems to make a lot of trips to the Indian sub continent.
Cricket ball Because i needed 6 people to fit the cluedo thing.
PC Plum's Verdict: Definite money motive and the ability to effect the game at key points mean he is clearly a potential culprit.
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