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This is Phil Patten's
assessment of the team for 2000 with the odd amendment for pottymouthness, so could any lawsuits be directed to him please. |
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 1. Richard Abigail |
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This was Richard's second season for us and whilst he batted well he was
often out just when he seemed set to make a big score - his top score in 9 innings was only 26 which is just not good enough.
Mind you his best innings was when he opened against Post Office who had some wally named Middleton who was quick - really
quick and rally dangerous. He scared the life out of me and I was fielding miles away (at gully). I lost count of the number
of times the ball fizzed past Richard's head. Richard only scored 5 but he survived long enough to enable batsmen lower down
the order to knock off the neccessary runs off worse bowlers. Also a good word here for Tony who opened with Richard,
scored 16and at least belted the nasty man for a boundary before he was out. Tony if I was you I'd stop reading now - it's
all slagging offs for you after this). But where was our esteemed captain and opening batsman when all this mayhem was
taking place? Down at number 5 - no flies on Barry. This season Richard was given a chance with the ball and came
dangerously close to winning in the averages - he took 7 wickets at an average of 6.71 (the winning average was 8.2). His
best bowling performance was 3-4 against DCMS apparently giving the ball more flight than Barry or Steve! The pilots of the
planes overhead must have been worried. Richard fielded well but Barry has asked me to mention the complete dolly against
BHP. He did pocket two catches which was one more than Steve Carter and two more than Tony. |
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 2. Ken Block |
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A welcome return for our former captainand he promptly showed how
much we had missed him by taking 3-15 in his first match against MOD. Though he bowled thereafter he did not
have much luck (unlike some!) and only ended up with 9 wickets from 7 bowling stints, Batted once and got a
glorious duck so nothing's changed there. Ken has lost none of his athleticism (who wrote this rubbish) in the
field and managed to take one catch, the same as Steve Carter and one more than Tony. |
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 3. Steve Carter |
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Let's start with a little quiz. Which two players scored the
most ducks this year? Mystified - well you shouldn't be - Steve Carter and Siva. Including his never to be
forgotten knocks (see report), Steve scored an
ultra impressive total of 15 runs in his five innings. In his next knock against Housing Corporation (first
scoring shot a boundary!!!) he somehow managed to get 16 but blotted his copybook by running out Barry (going
well on 33). Wish I was there to see Barry's reaction. After yet another duck against Dodgers, Steve gained
his revenge in the last match of the season, also against the auld enemy, when he scored 30 and helped us to
a comprehensive victory. Of course Steve will only talk about that inning, not the rubbish that went before.
Still you're only as good as your last innings, not the rubbish that went before. Still you;re only as good
as your last innings/over eh Tony. Similarly if you ask Steve about his fielding this season he will tell
you about the "genius" catch he took against Dodgers (lucky bowler - Jason) but narry a mention of his
numerous muck ups both when the ball was in the air and on the ground (though to be fair his ground fielding
on tour was excellent). And, unlike Tony, he did take a catch. Barry had his worrying moments of madness
and gave Steve a couple of overs which resulted in no wickets (quel surprise) but miraculously no 12 ball
overs. Somehow the opposition only scored 10 runs off his pitiful bowling. |
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4. Terry Carter |
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Both Nick (batting) and Jason (bowling) had notions that they
had shattered the all time records for runs scored and wiickets taken during a season. Unfortunately they were
both flipping wrong - Barry and Ken are still proud owners of those records. However I wonder if, unnoticed,
Terry has broken the wicketkeeping record. I suggest our records manager does a check. If so it is no more
than Terry deserves. I can't recall anybody (particularly Steve or Tony) getting 22 victims in one season - 11
catches and 11 stumpings which, considering the waywardness of some of our bowlers, is totally remarkable.
Because of his sterling service behind the stumps Terry was often demoted down the order and only batted 9
times scoring 91 runs at an average of 22.75. Apart from one or two notable occasions Terry managed to keep
his temper in check - the ceremonial flinging of the gloves to the ground was conspicuous by it absence. As
we played the majority of games at Chiswick Terry only missed four games and along with Barry, Mike, Jason,
Craig and Tony(!) formed the backbone of the Superstars team this year. Unfortunately Terry could not make
our tour to Llanelli but hopefully he can make next year's tour wherever it is. I'll keep him in booze (as
long as I play my cars right and Dodger Phil McBarron is not invited). |
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 5. Matt Conway |
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Due primarily to work committments Matt only 5 times this year
including twice on tour. The highlight of his season was hitting 55 against Housing Corporation when sharing
the record breaking partnership with Nick (see below). He scored 90 runs in 4 innings and took 2 wickets in
his three bowling stints. Though he did not take any catches he fielded well apart from the odd typically
flamboyant dive at cover point. |
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6. Dave Crozier |
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At one stage this season Dave was, much to Mike's chagrin, a leading
contender for the bowling but a return of 0-40 against Housing Corporation soon put the kibosh on that
particular nightmare. His first four bowling figures were 2-10, 1-3, 1-18 and 2-19 which either means there are
some rubbish batsmen around or Dave's a might good bowler. Er Yeesss. Since Barry considered Dave to be a bowler he
only batted six times, with a top score of 13*. Whilst Dave could not be considered one of our better fielders he
was certainly not the worst - more of that later. |
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 7. Barry Gigg |
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Barry played all 20 matches this season and apart from the first match
on tour when he foolishly allowed Steve Carter to captain (see
Tour Report) he skippered the side for every match. His captaincy has been criticised in the past (mainly by me and
Tony) but this season he handled the side particularly well. OK there were moans about the batting order when certain
people didn't get a bat or face only a few balls but you can't people all the selfish wallies (and boy are there some
wallies in our team) all the time. Apart from one or two rare misjudgements Barry handled our often-fickle bowlers
with understanding and alacrity. And this season he did not let the responsibilities of captain, organiser and general
dogsbody affect his batting. Barry opened the innings more often than not, and usually provided a solid base for the
rest of our batsmen to build on. He scored 449 runs in 20 innings with four not outs and a top score of 63 against
Treasury Solicitors at an average of just under 30. As Craig, who often opened with Barry, had an average of 37 they
formed a pretty good opening partnership and they certainly took the shine off the new ball so let's all hope that
Steve Carter's days as an opener are numbered. Which reminds me of Barry's two low points this season - run out by
Steve against Housing Corporation and getting his only duck of the season against Highways Agency (a brilliant catch
I seem to recall). In the field Barry did make the odd mistake (kicking the ball away and dropping the odd catch)
but in general he fielded well and took six catches. |
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 8. Simon Gundry |
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Until the last game of the season Simon was in pole position for both the batting
and bowling trophies. Unfortunately (for Simon) Chris Smith nicked the bowling award by taking 2 wickets against Dodgers. But
Simon did win the batting so there is no need for him to cut his wrists. Simon is no thicko and sussed out that the way to get
a good batting average is to bat a wee bit down the order and not get out (a la Mike Taylor in 1999). He batted 8 times and
was dismissed only twice, both times trying to hit the ball into orbit. But it was noticeable that there was an element of average
protection in his latter innings. On the bowling front Simon was, without doubt, our fastest and most consistent bowler and
in any normal year would have walked away with the best bowler trophy. Simon is a good fielder with a strong throwing arm and a
reliable pair of hands (5 catches) - you can put him anywhere in the field and know he'll do a good job. Hold on this is
getting far too sycophantic. I've just remembered the game against BHP near Chiswick. Simon said at the start of their innings
that his back was playing up and he didn't want to bowl. Fair enough. But then he saw how awful their batsmen were (Jason took
2-6 which gives you some idea) and a miraculous transformation took place - he was positively chaffing at the bit to get a bowl.
Barry finally relented and Simon duly took two wickets for one run, and with it smirked off thinking the bowling trophy was his.
Well tough cheese! |
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 9. Mike Kamellard |
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Mike again came in from the Twilight Zone to go on tour (but played no games
cos of the weather) but did manage to play five times during the regular season. T'would have been six but he became so
engrossed in a West Indies vs Zimbabwe game one day match that the plonker forgot he was supposed to be playing for
Superstars, Mike only took two wickets but I though that his bowling was more accurate this season. Not that line and
length guarantees wickets - Siva never seemed to bother. Unfortunately Mike did not get a bat this year - a pity as he claims
he is ambidextrous. Bet he can't wipe his bottom with either hand. |
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10. Steve Lomas |
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Steve played five times this season, batting on every occasion. He scored 30
runs with a best knock of 15* against Dodgers. I should have put "best" in inverted commas since it was on this occasion
that Steve that other well known Speedy Gonzales Tony contrived to put on a superb 19 in the last five overs with the likes
if Simon, Siva, Mike and Terry twiddling their thumbs waiting to bat. Needless to say our final total was not enough and
we lost in the last over. Cheers idiots! |
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 11. Jason Marchant |
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Who was the jammiest bowler in the team this season? Some people say Jason, some say
Siva. My vote would be Siva because while he bowled badly most of the time there were at least two occasions when Jason bowled well
enough to merit his return. His best figures were 4-40 against Highways Agency and he returned other worthwhile figures of 2-6
(albeit against rubbish), 2-14 and 2-18. Jason's strength was that, no matter how he bowled - good, bad or downright flippin' ugly -
he always picked up a wicket or two. In 16 bowling stints he failed to pick up a wicket only three times. Of course luck did play
its part. When was the last time Steve Carter took a "genius" catch? Amswer about 1988 when playing for my Satursday side. When will
Carter take his next catch in the outfield, genius or otherwise? About 2012 by my reckoning (Website Ed - we're still waiting beyond
2012!). As he was given a bowl in every game Jason only had six innings, and scored 20 runs in all including three not outs. I do
agree with the practice of "giving everyone a go" but stalwarts like Jason, Mike and Terry did seem to lose out. In the field
Jason excelled, taking 9 catches (the magic magnet seems to have passed on) and saving his fair share of runs although I did notice
a worrying tendancy to want to field at slip, a position I think warrants a more mature individual. |
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 12. Steve Meyler |
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Steve deserves fulsome praise for his organisation of the tour this year. It was not
his fault that the weather was rubbish - See tour report. As
his wife gave birth to a bouncing baby boy (I trust you've all seen the pictures - AAHH), Steve only played five times this year
scoring a total of 70 runs with a best knock of 28no against the Housing Corporation. He bowled twice taking 0-25 (against rubbishy
BHP) and 1-12. He did pocket catches which was one more than Steve Carter and two more than Tony. |
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(Website Ed - and that bouncing baby, Rhys, became a Superstars debutant in 2009
and star player in 2013) | |
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13. Nick Nguyen |
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New recruit who is possibly the most talented batsman we have ever had in our
side. Hits the ball extremely hard and, unlike some, is able to play against the better bowlers. He started off with 59* and
42 amd looked supremely confident as he marched out to face the demon Middleton (see above) but was unfortunately out first
ball (played on). We he did look confident. He then scored another 50 and was well ahead in the averaged but managed
only 20 runs in his next three visits to the crease which undoubtedly cost him the batting trophy. But then came the piece de
reistance, a knock of 117 not out (in an opening partnership of 180 with Matt) against Housing Corporation. Tony's loathsome
record has been beaten. How we all cheered (except Tony who didn't get a bat and went off in a huff). Nick finished as he had
started with knocks of 54 and 61 - a total of 411 in 10 innings. Nick can also bowl but hurt his shoulder early in the season
so he bowled just twice taking 0-11 in all (worse than Carter!!). Because of his shoulders Nick had to field in close position
but did take 4 catches - mostly dollies. |
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 14. Phil Patten |
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Another consistent season for one of the elder statesmen of the team, highlighted
by his all round bowling and his batting on tour. He took 11 wickets in 11 matches at an average of 15.73. Phil's great asset
this season was his ability to bowl a nagging line and length which (but not always!) made him hard to put away. What were
not hard to put away were the pints he consumed before, during and after the game. As old age sets in Phil sought to establish
a specialist fielding position at slip. He claimed this was on strength of a couple of catches last season but the real reason
was his crappy fielding on the boundary. Unfortunately for Phil injuries to players such as Nick and Simon restricted his slip
fielding so he had to field in the outfield in the outfield more often than not. Barry ensured he got plenty of exercise by
constantly moving him to different positions. He did pocket two catches (one at slip) which was one more than Steve Carter
and two more than Tony. |
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15. Craig Perera |
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Another new recruit. Craig started the season as an opening bowler who could bat
a little and ended up as an opening batsman who, cos of injury was unable to bowl at all. He bowled well enough in the early
matches but only took one wicket, though he deserved more. But then bowling against Highways Agency Craig pulled his shoulder
was unable to complete his over. What the flip is wrong with the youth of today? Both Nick and Craig, fit young lads, could not
bowl for even half a season without breaking down. Would not have happened in my day I tell you - too many late nights and
fraternising with the wrong type of people, too much money on their hands, lack of discipline, two years in a good regiment etc etc.
As Craig was unable to bowl for the rest of the season. Barry decided to give him a chance with the bat. And Craig did not let
the side down. He scored nearly 300 runs in 14 innings (six not outs) at an average of just over 37. Had he not on accasion sacrificed
himself for the good of the cause he might have come close to winning the batting averages. As it was he had to be content with a
couple of half centuries - apparently the first he has scored. Craig was very relaiable in the field, taking 7 catches, including
a vital one to dismiss the dangerous Bultitude (much to my relief). In fact the only thing wrong with Craig is the awful football
he supports. A quiz question for Craig - what is the only team in the football league that has all the following four letters -
S C U M - in its name? (Website Ed - is it Norwich City). |
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16. Siva |
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This year I left Siva to last, basically becasue fail me. Siva can bowl well, as
he proved on tour, and looking at the bare statistics one might be tempted to think that he bowled well thorughout the season.
50 overs, 18 wickets at an average of 11.44 (2nd), and a strike rate of 16.72 are impressive figures. Add to that the two best
bowling figures of the year (4-14 against BHP and 5-25 against Dodgers) and you may feel that Siva was robbed of the bowling
averages. But statistics can tell lies and damned lies. If Siva didn't bowl more wides, long hops and beamers (ask Housing
Corporation about his beamers) than any other Superstars bowler then the world is flat, and Elvis, Princess Di and Lord Lucan
are partaking of Tiffin in the Ritz. If there were a category for luckiest bowler of the year I am sure Siva would win hands
down. Still luck does win matches (and money!!). Remind me to ask Siva for some tips on the horses. Unfortunately when it came
to wielding the willow Siva's luck ran out. He batted five times and he scored 0 (tour), 6, 0, 0, and then 10 not out which
saved him from an extremely embarrassing average. Siva did not make any major muck ups in the field but did not take
any catches either. |
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17. Chris Smith |
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I cast my mind back to a sunny day back in June playing golf at
Knole Park. My playing partners were Les (mine's a pint of Fosters) Smith and his son Chris. I politely
inquired why Chris hadn't been playing cricket was told "no wally has asked me". I therefore the wally (Bally)
about Chris's availability and the rest is now history. Chris played his first match against Housing Corporation
and promptly took 4 for 17 which would have been the best bowling figures of the season but for his
jamminess Siva. In his next three matches Chris took four more wickets which meant that he needed two wickets
in our our final match against Dodgers to (a) get the qualifying number of wickets and (b) in all probability
win the bowling award. He opened and bowled one of their openers in about the fifth or sixth over. But then
in his seventh (and last) over he produced a "real beauty" (ask Terry) to comprehensively bowl Bultitude who is
one of the best batsmen we have to bowl at. Just for that one genius ball he deserves the bowling award -
I'm sure Simon agrees (mutter, mumble, flipping jammy so-and-s0). Chris batted three times scoring 19,
17 and 14, good knocks considering he was down the order and runs were needed quickly. In the field Chris took
two catches which was one more than Steve Carter and two more than Tony. |
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 18. Mike Taylor |
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Last year's master batsman was given little opportunity to retain his
crown. Barry shifted Mike even further down the order which meant that while he again had a goodly amount of
not outs he didn't get the chance to make any reasonable scores. His best knocks was a mere 13* in 8 innings in 18
matches. Mike was given a bowl in every match he played and bowled a total of 95 overs during the season which,
along with Jason's contribution (91 overs), accounted for over a third of balls bowled by Superstars. Mike
invariably was asked to open the bowling so often had to bowl against the classier batsmen unlike Jason and Siva.
Although Mike came fifth in the averages this was mainly due to a lack of wickets (dropped catches, no luck and
LBW appeals etc) rather than runs conceded. He bowled 13 maidens and his line and length was ten times better
than in previous seasons. And he bowled far fewer wides. At last it seems that Mike has learnt from watching
the master. Perhaps there is hope for Siva. Again Mike was Mr Reliability (and Mr Poseur) in the field even
though his catching magnet was not working to full capacity - he took only seven catches. |
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 19. Tony Whitrod |
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Unlike last year it gives me great pleasure to comment on Tony's
efforts this year. What're the words I'm looking for to describe his contributions? REALLY BAD. His batting
was average - a top score of 34 in 13 innings (and it should be borne in mind that, apart from Middleton, he
often faced pretty poor bowling) and his bowling was pretty mediocre - one wicket for 32 runs in three spells.
But t'was in the field that Tony was at his worse. He would stand, still as a statue with his hands in his
track suit pockets, reluctantly moving only when absolutely necessary and then at a speed a tortoise would be
ashamed of. And he has the unmitigated gall to take the mickey out of genius fielders such as myself, Steve
Carter and Dave Crozier. Tony didn't drop any catches this season because he never bothered to try for even
the easiest chances. His one notable piece of fielding was to run out Andy Crawford with a direct throw
from the boundary but i'm sure Andy only went for a second run because he saw the ball was heading towards our
worst fielder. Tony blamed his poor performances this season on a back injury but bravehearts like Matt COnway,
Steve Conway or Steve Meyler have never complained or let the side down because of their injuries. Tony's season
reached its nadir when he refused to take the field against Housing Corporation and trudged off home. Why did he
do it? Ask him - no one else has a clue though he did owe me a drink. |
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 20. Tom Wilson |
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Tom finally became fed up with travelling all the way to Chiswick so only
played twice this year. I did not play in either game but gather he bowled as well as ever taking 3-15 off 7 and a bit overs
against CENTYMCA and 1-25 off 6 against Treasury. |
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21. Others |
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Merv Aranha - Classy player who turned out once for Superstars scoring
4 runs and taking 0-25. Did I say classy?????? |
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Gary Bartholomew - Gaaruuussome graced us with his presence on tour and did nothing -
see Tour Report. |
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Tim Barraclough - Former regular who has left for sweaty sock land but did turn up on tour -
see Tour Report. |
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Andy Crawford - Dodgers regular who played on tour -
see Tour Report (this is getting monotonous). |
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Rehan Haider - Complete novice who played against the Post Office -
yes that's right the Post Office with their demon bowler. So what number did Barry send him in - 4!!!! Are you sure?
Rehan prepared to face Middleton with his box around his knees and Barry claims that only his quick intervention
avoided certain injury. Yeh okay Bazza. Needless to say Rehan was out for a duck. |
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Andrew Ledger - Only played once this year (bowled a mere 8 balls) because
of injury and chess committments - Andrew reckons he's an international master. Oh yeah pull the other one. We've heard all
this rubbish before from Neil Benn and his Bridge master classes. Do I look like a village idiot?? |
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Phil McBarron - Dodgers player who was fortunate enough to get two matches on tour -
see Tour Report. He played one other match scoring 17 and taking a catch. |
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Yogesh Patel - Former regular who deserted Superstars to become the driving force
behind the Highways Agency team. Went on tour scoring two runs and taking 0-12 -
see Tour Report |
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Neil Priest - Dodgers regular who played once on tour -
see Tour Report |
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Kevin Roper - Dodgers player. As we were short in our match against
CENTYMCA, Kevin kindly agreed to help out. However he did not arrive until after tea, went in at No 3, scored 1
run and promptly left for home. So in all he stayed about five minutes and did no bowling, no fielding and
no umpiring. In summary NOTHING. |
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Picture Bonus |
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So what did happen? A pint to the first person (apart from Andrew) who gets it right.
Also half a pint for spotting the mistake in the commentary. |
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