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This is Phil Patten's
assessment of the team for 1997 with the odd amendment for pottymouthness, so could any lawsuits be directed to him please. |
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1. Tim Barraclough |
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New recruit who played nine or ten times for us. Tim is an enthusiastic
fielder but a rather unlucky batsman being run out by our resident Geoff Boycott batalike and often receiving good
balls from decent bowlers like Neil, David Underwood and Tony Evans!! His best knock was 25 against BOCS. |
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 2. Neil Benn |
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Was not sure whether to include him in my list of usual players as he
is technically another rat who has left to join another side - in his case Dodgers and I know John Adey is ecstatic
that he chose them. Be that as it may when Neil turned out for us he did do the business especially with the ball.
Who knows if he had stayed with us he might have deprived a certain person of Bowler of the Year. |
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 3. Ken Block |
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Somehow won the Bowler of the Year but apparently I have been votedm person most
likely to protect average. ARE YOU SURE?! I didn't have a worthwhile average to protect. If my mind is not playing tricks it was
Ken who bowled to all the rabbits and weaker batsmen. No wonder he returned figures such as 2-7, 2-11 and 3-15. Moreover it did not go
unnoticed that against Energy Exiles when that talented gentleman was tonking everything in sight it was moi not "I don't
protect my average" Ken who had to bowl at him. Ken had a terrific season with the bat and managed to get his first 50 for
the club amongst other impressive knocks. He can now be considered a genuine all rounder (well he's obese enough). Did not
have such a good year in the field dropping his fair share of catches (I won't bore you with details of the bowler who
suffered most) and making a few Bartho type muck ups. |
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 4. Steve Carter |
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Always gives 200% in the field - or so he claims. I dread to think what his fielding would be like if he
only gave 50% or, perish the thought, 10% like that lazy so-and-so Tony. I mean Steve how many catches did you take this year or for that matter
any other year? Had a better year with the bat (unlike some) and came close to averaging more than the jammy 1996 batsman of the year which would
have caused much merriment and an enjoyable evening for Steve with a lady from Thailand. Still you can have that dream anyway. Thankfully Barry
resisted what must have an overwhelming temptation to give Steve a bowl just cos he got a wicket on tour. |
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5. Terry Carter |
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El Tel did not leave to America as expected and, despite having
a kidney stone op, played a reasonable number of games this season. Kept wicket very well - only arguing
over three or four umpiring decisions which is tame by his standards. His batting was as per usual - either
getting out cheaply or belting the ball all over the place. He was quite right to query one diabolical LBW
decision. I won't bore you by revealing the name of the umpire. I hope Terry and Ros make the tour next
year before they emigrate to the land where they play rubbish sports like baseball, gridflippinboringiron
and evenmoreflippingboringbasketball. T'will be a good drink up. |
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 6. Matt Conway |
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Decided to concentrate on batting and fielding rather than confusing
batsmen with his "thank you very much" spin bowling. Played some good innings though his high score of 78
does not count as twas a practice match AAH. His best innings was against STATS - 46 runs off 33 balls and then
gets bowled by Tony Evans - jug avoidance or what. Matt's fielding is best remembered for his superlative
and stylish dives - pity he never stopped the ball! |
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 7. Barry Gigg |
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The highlight of the season was undoubtedly Barry's unbeaten
century against OSD when Superstars absolutely mucking furdered them. Anyone can make runs against rubbish
bowling (ask Ken, Mike, Siva etc etc) but Barry got facing class bowlers like Merv, Dave Underwood and er,
Tony Whitrod. Still 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Just for that one innings Barry deserved the batting award
though he batted consistently throughout the season. Consistently useless that is. Nah only joking. Barry
captained the side well though there were one or two occasions when he came in for some criticism - eg
fielding first when the racing was on TV. I also thought he should have given more consideration to where
he positioned his poorer fielders (Mike, Ken, Matt and himself) vis a vis his better fielders (200% Carter,
Tom Wilson, Tony and Mike Wadham). Thank flip Barry resisted what must have been an overwhelming
temptation to give himself a bowl just cos he got a wicket on tour. |
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8. Paul Hogg |
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Talking of awful fielders the prize for the most inept display
of fielding goes to Paul for his incredibly pathetic performance against Stats. We lost count of his misfields
and dropped catches (I won't bore you with the details of the bowler who suffered most). He did finally take
two catches in that match but no prizes for guessing the identity of the bowler - shades of Tom Wilson. He
did however share the second most popular stand of the season with the aforementioned Tom for the last wicket
in a match against Dodgers. They had put on 26 glorious runs coming close to beating that vomit record of
Mike K and Tav when Paul recklessly got himself out. Paul bowled consistently well with figures such as 3-4,
2-11 and 3-28. In fact if he had not bowled his usual high quota of wides he may well have sneaked the bowling
award. |
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9. Andy Jacobs |
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Andy only played about a half dozen times mainly due to "work"
commitments but when he did condescend to play he promptly tore his hamstring. He did pick up the odd wicket
but like me did not have much opportunity with the bat. In fact me and Andy only played two matches together
the whole season and one of those was on tour. |
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 10. Mike Kamellard |
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Did he play this year? Flipped if I can remember. I know he was
on tour cos I was in his car listening to Sleepytime winning the 1000 Guineas. YEEERRRSSSS. |
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11. Steve Lomas |
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Played five games for us and was very unlucky not to
make a 50 against Stats. He was 44 was going well when he fell victim to the most outragous LBW decision
that I have ever witnessed. I won't bore you by revealing the name of the umpire. |
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 12. Steve Meyler |
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Steve started the season in the same fashion he ended last year
scoring an unbeaten 50. He missed a couple of matches after that and thereafter his batting was not quite so
good though he did score another unbeaten 50 in sharing the record partnership with Barry against OSD. His
"Mickey Mouse" bowling (Ken's quote not mine) again proved useful and on one occasion he was on the point of
a hat trick. Steve has been criticised in the past for his fielding but he took what was, without doubt,
the catch of the season against Energy Exiles - a one handed dive to his left. The jammy bowler was, of course,
Ken. HANG ON! Nice report two years in a row - LEAVE THAT ALONE. In the same match le idiote Meyler bowled one
of the most rubbishest overs of all time - 22 runs in one flippin' over. What a Welsh wally. |
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13. Yogesh Patel |
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New recruit and a very good bowler. He played five games for
us with best figures of 4-10. Had he played more often he might have beaten el jammy so-and-so for the
bowling honours. Only batted once and, ho hum, was out for a duck. Unfortunately Yogesh might not be
available much next season as the crawler is now PS to my esteemed, generous and absolutely fabulous
leader Lawrie Haynes. (One never knows - a copy of this might get into his grubby hands). |
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 14. Phil Patten |
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Stupid idiot broke his hand in one of the first few games
of the season, stopping a ball in the field, which is a rare occurrence these days for Mr Patten. So
because of this missed a large number of games. He also joined the elite for Mr Patten. So because of
this missed a large number of games. He also joined the elite of the Department as he missed a large
number of games. He also joined the elite of the Department as he missed a large number of games. He
also joined the the elite of the Department as he missed several games due to his impotance to the
DETR, (probably should say importance, but who cares.) When he did play, it took him ages to take his
first wicket, and when it came, it was courtesy of 'Rabbit's are Us' at Lower Sydenham. We had to wait
even longer for his first run, in fact we saw the second coming and Halleys comet, before Phil got
off the mark. He also had recurring injury in the games he played. After bowling a steady opening spell,
he would then trot out to the long leg boundary, where he would mis-field and drop catches all day, then
upon being asked to complete a second spell of bowling, would suddenly discover that his hand or shoulder
had suddenly seized up. This was particularly noticeable when the batsman were crashing the ball
to the boundary, under normal circumstances this would have won him the title of the person most likely
to prtect their average, but as I seemed to be the only person to notice, this award went elsewhere. |
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15. Siva |
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Another new recruit (highjacked from Dodgers) and another good bowler
if a bit too headstrong at times. Still I am sure the lessons from Terry will help. Don't all laugh. Siva
was unlucky not to take more wickets than he did (dropped catches etc) and that, combined with sometimes wayward
bowling probably cost him Bowler of the Year. He did return good figures of 2-6, 1-4, 2-4 and whoops 1-64. Siva
has a refreshing attitude to batting - ie if it moves knock the hell out of it. This resulted in some good knocks
and also some obsence dismissals. Siva was also responsible for bringing along to some matches phrase ommitted
that certain people were drolling over. |
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 16. Mike Taylor |
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Mike was having a terrific season when he unfortunately was badly
injured (for some strange reason the wally blames me). He had not had much chance to shine with the bat but
but his bowling was more consistent and as for his fielding - WOW. He definitely has retrieved his magnet from
Ken - every time the ball went up in the air it went to Mike. In one match he took four catches. So cocky did he
become that he even caught one with one hand when he should have used to used two. Still pride comes before a
fall and it was the consensus of opinion that he should have caught the ball that injured him. He returned late
on in the season and as he was unable to bowl he was given a bat scoring good knocks of 26 and 30no. Because
he couldn't run he had to ask for a runner - and those stupid idiots Matt and Steve obliged. I can still
picture Steve, having run three on behalf of Mike, wheezing at the other end while Mike was urging him to "get
on with it". No sympathy in our team. |
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17. Mike Wadham |
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Played half a dozen times with a superb top score of 4. However did
take 2-1 off four balls against Ealing. Rubbish batsmen or what. |
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 18. Tony Whitrod |
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Tony has always maintained that he is a good loser and does
not really care about winning. He is just happy to play cricket. This season he proved this beyond all
doubt. After captaining OSD to their most humiliating defeat did he congratulate the winning team? NO HE
FLIPPING DIDN'T. Did he sult in the corner> YES HE FLIPPING DID. Tony was 1996 batsman of the year but this
year he had a poor season with the bat. His top score was us was a measly 25. In fact had he been out for
a duck in his last innings he may well have been beaten in the averages by one S Carter and if that is not
a flipping good reason for hara-kiri I don't know what is. If Tony doesn't get the award for WORST umpire
I'll eat my hat. |
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 19. Tom Wilson |
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Though Tom did not play as many games this season due to injury
and seeking gainful employment, he did provide two of the highlights of the season viz that last wicket
partnership with Paul and the season's best spell of bowling against DNH. He did not take a wicket but then
as some of us know wickets aren't everything. Figures of 8-3-14-0 speak for themselves and allowed out batsmen
to comfortably reach their target. |
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20. Others |
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John Adey - Reformed boozer who played a couple of times, once on
tour, and once against BOCS where he managed to claim the wicket of Alan Brown so it was worth turning up. |
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Gary Bartholomew - Go away. |
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Marylin Bartholomew - Played once on tour, taking a glorious wicket
and fielding better than that wally Spencer (see below). |
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Spencer Broadly - For his antics on tour see separate report. One thing I did miss out was a glorious piece of fielding by Spencer.
The batsman hit the ball and Spencer ran off in completely the wrong direction. What a domehead! ps Spencer was
completely sober at the time. If you believe that you believe in fairies. |
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Darren Cooper - Played his normal one game this year against Stats
scoring 25 before being LBW to Neil (miles outside leg stump naturally) and taking zero wickets and being no
balled a couple of times much to his annoyance. I must remember to buy the umpire a drink. |
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Steve Dennis - Played one game getting a superb duck and injuring
himself while fielding. As this was the first game against LCD where all the bowler were being hammered, it was
not a surprise to see him in the changing rooms after with a big yellow streak down his back. |
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Mike Durrant - Played twice scoring 2 each time. |
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Andrew Field - One game and a superb golden duck. |
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Ron Gleeson - OSD regualr who played once against BOCS scoring
1 before being caught behind by Gary Kentish (slash wrist time) and taking 1-13. |
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Andy Longhurst - Hard hitting OSD regular who played twice for us
getting a golden against DTI and another duck against LCD. Thanks for turning up Andy! |
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Phil McBarron - Played for us three times, scoring an unbeaten
50 in the only completed game on tour. |
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Karl Murphy - Played twice, scoring 11 against Ealing (and dropping
two catches off successive balls). No prizes for guessing the name of the bowler. He redeemed himself by the scoring
25no against Stats. |
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Sean Oakley - Played one match for us in that match against
OSD knocking off the final runs thus ensuring that we won by ten wickets. |
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Narren Patel - One game - one duck! |
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Philips - Played one game scoring an unbeaten 50
so obviously a class player. |
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Neil Priest - Played one game - did not bat but bowled. Schome
mishtake shurely. What wally was captain that day? |
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